The Brain Game

What is the voice in your head telling you? The answer to this question will provide you with a lot of insight. We are almost always our own toughest critics. So often we worry about what others think or say about us, when we should really be focusing on our own thoughts and our feelings toward ourselves.

Photo Credit: Mutt Love Photography

Those of us who ride in a specific discipline, such as dressage, engage in riding as a sport. We set high goals and standards for ourselves. With that comes the nearly inevitable self-critiquing. Self-reflection is a wonderful thing; it allows us to evaluate our actions and experiences, make changes for the future, and appreciate our successes. Self-criticism on the other hand can be extremely detrimental.

While it is important to acknowledge the things we didn’t do well and make changes for the future, constantly beating ourselves up over them is not productive. For example, let’s say we are struggling to stay perfectly balanced on our horse. At the lower levels this might be something like falling behind the motion in posting trot and catching our horse in the back. At the higher levels it could be something like perching in the flying changes or swinging our legs too far and throwing our weight. We need to acknowledge these things are happening and work on improving our strength and balance to fix them. What we do not need to do is berate or demean ourselves with negative self-talk because they are happening.

When we become critical of ourselves in a negative way, several things happen. We create a poor self-image, which decreases our confidence in our ability. Decreased confidence leads to increased mistakes. Maintaining a positive mindset is crucial for performance and learning. We also decrease our horses’ confidence. When we get frustrated, our horses don’t know that we are frustrated with ourselves, not with them. Some horses will shut down when they feel our frustration, others will become belligerent, and some will panic or explode.

People don’t always realize the effect their self-criticism has on their horses. Horses are incredibly sensitive to emotions. As animals that communicate largely through feel and intention, they pick up on our inner world far better than most people do. This is why when we are anxious, they often become anxious. When we’re excited, they can become excited. When we are having a blah day, they might feel lazy under saddle. They take on our emotions whether we mean for them to or not.

As a result of this sensitivity to our feelings, horses can easily become frustrated or discouraged when we are. If we are mad at ourselves for not being able to keep our heels down, the horse might think we are mad at them. If we are frustrated that we can’t master the timing of an aid, they feel that frustration and can think it’s directed at them. If we are upset after our dressage test, they may feel that showing is stressful and not fun. Horses feel our inner pain, and many take that on themselves.

Finally, we create a ripple effect, even if unintentional, with our mindset. If we are constantly down on ourselves, this spreads to other riders. Some may be influenced by how we conduct ourselves and start to copy our negative self-talk. Others may not take it on directly but will still feel uneasy when they are picking up on our energy when they’re around us. Negativity is contagious, even when not directed outwardly. If we berate ourselves, people will automatically assume we are judging them as well.

Positivity is equally contagious. When we can become more compassionate toward ourselves, we also cast that energy outward. Our horses feel like they can find the right answer instead of shutting down or exploding. They enjoy their work more and try harder to please us. We uplift other riders and set an example through sportsmanship. Someone else who is struggling internally with self-confidence might see our relentlessly positive attitude and aspire to take on a new mindset. Ghandi’s paraphrased quote “Be the change you wish to see in the world” is a great example of this.

This all might sound like a great idea, but how do we implement it? It can be extremely difficult to change a habit, especially one that has been going on for a long time. If we have a history of negative self-talk, shifting out of that pattern takes time and mental discipline. The process of pivoting can play a crucial role (see my earlier blog post on this). Awareness is the first step toward change. Realizing that our self-criticism is detrimental and desiring to change it comes before anything else. If you are aware that your inner dialogue could use a pep talk and want to make that shift, be proud of yourself, because you’re already on your way to changing it!

Another thing that can help is taking a step back and looking at the situation from an outside perspective. Most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. We forgive our friends, our horses, our colleagues for not being perfect all the time. Yet we don’t allow ourselves the same margins for error, or the time to learn and grow. Pretend you’re someone else. If your best friend was struggling to post the trot, would you tell them they suck and make them feel horrible about themselves? Or would you be there with words of encouragement? Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend you’re supporting emotionally. Be encouraging and look for the things that are going well.

Recognize that increasing a skill takes times. As Malcom Gladwell says, it takes 10,000 hours to become great at something. That is a lot of hours! As a result, it takes years to become a great rider, and there will be many struggles along the way before we achieve that level of competency. There is no rider out there who could do everything well, instantly. They all spent hours in the saddle and on the ground working on and perfecting their skill. So why would you mentally destroy yourself for not being instantly good at it either?

Lastly, one of the reasons we are often extremely self-critical is because we are worried about what others think of us. One of the greatest things we come to realize as we get older is that everyone is predominantly preoccupied with themselves. They don’t have time to think or judge what others are doing, because they are absorbed in their own inner dialogue. And the ones that do are the ones that are judging and comparing themselves to others because they are stuck in their own insecurity and negative self-talk.

I love the quote by Terry Cole-Whittaker “What you think of me is none of my business.” I once heard an extension of that: “What I think of me is all of my business.” Truer words have never been spoken. At the end of the day, it is how we feel about ourselves that is of the utmost importance. How we view and treat ourselves ultimately turns into how we view and treat others. If we are positive and compassionate toward ourselves, we are far more inclined to be someone who uplifts and inspires others. It is the equivalent of putting on your own oxygen mask first – if we don’t take care of our own emotional state, we cannot maximize our ability to help others, including our horses.

What does your self-talk sound like? As we enjoy the autumn weather and focus on Thanksgiving, this is the perfect time to reflect on not only what we are thankful for externally, but also what we appreciate about ourselves. By shifting our internal dialogue to one that is encouraging, compassionate, and supportive, we will find we are not only happier, but that things start to flow in the direction we want them to much more effortlessly.